I am so sick of this rain, you should see the mountain of dirty unwashed clothes trying to creep out of the hallway in front of the bathroom, yeuch! OK so maybe its just a testament to my questionable housekeeping skills. When did life get so menial?
I was brought up to be independent, in thought and action. I was encouraged to be financially independent at a young age and I thank my parents for it. So it broke my heart in two when I was made redundant 5 years ago when my daughter was born. As a new mother with a colicky newborn I struggled with the fact that I had no 'out', no job to go back to, no money of my own, no freedom, no control. Yes, I could have looked for another job straight away but my confidence and self esteem had taken such a bashing from redundancy, pregnancy and birth and surprisingly other peoples reactions that I wasn't fit to hold a rational conversation let alone hold down a job. Of course I couldn't see that clearly at the time either, but hindsight is great isn't it?
So here I am, five years later with two beautiful children, still technically unemployed and wondering where things all went wrong. At this stage I don't believe that I'm fit to hold down a job, I can barely drag myself to tackle the mountain of dirty clothes. Funny thing was that when I was working I kept the house in apple pie order along with being away for 48 hours a week. I look back at the pre-redundancy me and wonder who that person was, I don't recognise her. Does everyone change like this transitioning from their twenties to their thirties?
Anyway, I have my little knitting zen going, I'm beginning to get out a little more (I joined a new knitting group that meets every Wednesday night which has turned out to be great fun) and meet more people, so there may be hope for me yet. I still keep wondering when I'm going to feel like a grown up! Confident, intelligent and completely at ease with the way I look and feel, ya know, the way other people in your peer group look!
I know that this is all mainly in my head, it's a self esteem issue above all else, but I just feel very alone sometimes and need reassurance. Knitting helps keep my mind focused and not spiraling into madness!
So what have I been knitting lately? I made an Ishbel in a knit along with Doogarry at knit night and finished it in a week. I used the Lidl sock yarn that my aunts friend gave me at my granny's funeral (sounds strange, but such a thoughtful gesture from a complete stranger, at a very sad time was wonderful). The pattern was well written and the results were perfection and I love my new little scarf. I have worn it a few times since.
I then made a gorgeous little Pinwheel Purse by Frankie Brown to hold a glass pendant I bought on Etsy for a friends birthday next month. I really hope she likes it! Since that I have been mostly working on my Agnes Pi Shawl that I'm making in my granny's memory. I have a vague idea of presenting it to my dad when it's finished, maybe he could get it auctioned for charity for stroke victims. I just want something good to come out of it.
When I finish my pi I'll get back to my Monte Cristo Shawl, which is languishing a bit, the Hedgehog Fibres Silk Lace is so divine I can't wait to see it finished.
So until then, knit onwards and upwards xxx